The coming pandemic: SNOR

I awoke early one morning, the heat from my 30-pound white and orange cat permeating my back, my “baby” of 15 years gently snoring.  

What I discovered when I researched snoring was an acronym not found on the pages of any paper or on any website: SNOR.

SNOR is short for Sympathetic Nasal Obfuscation Syndrome. It is extant on the continent and it could be the “kill shot” pandemic for the human populations here as we know them.

After hours of pouring through the online encyclopedia I came across the origins of SNOR and realized I had stumbled upon a bombshell of a story, but who could stay awake to listen?

Turns out SNOR first started with an obscure lawyer in Illinois named Abraham Lincoln. His late night proboscis vibrations were legendary - the proverbial freight train through the bedroom walls kind of noise one would bottle if they could and ship to North Korea as a weapon of mass destruction.

Abe then goes to Washington, District of Columbia and spreads the disease by merely opening his legal mouth in defense of the newly formed Republican Party. Others sympathetic to the cause began emulating him, even while totally awake.

The pandemic, although legal, kept spreading until every other person in America was either a defendant, lawyer, judge, plaintiff, law enforcement or jurist. The rest of the population sat in the public gallery in near disbelief. The Civil War was just moments away.

A pandemic is an epidemic of infectious disease that spreads through human populations over a large region. Obfuscation is the act of making something obscure, dark, or difficult to understand.

Put it together and one can obtain a Juris Doctorate. 

More small business owners, tradesmen and poets need to be elected to Congress or we are doomed forever to the mind-rotting blather now currently roaming the halls of the Hill.

What began 165 years ago as a well-meaning message born in a simple log cabin has morphed into incomprehensible orchestrated chaos which can only be described as anarchy. Yet, as oxymoronic as it may sound, even anarchy is better organized than the buffoons we have elected to serve the people who now roam the marbled palaces back East. 

Today’s iteration of the GOP is also headed to a civil war, but within itself. The revolution will create a new party of unknown fealty to the Constitution.

Too many lawyers with no clue what the common man needs vis-a-vis health care, retirement, patriotic fervor, gun rights, immigration concerns, employment ... I could go on.

Instead of a moratorium on new immigrants we ought to have one on the election of more lawyers, millionaires and billionaires.

Give Harry the Plumber a chance or Juanita the Assembly Line worker. The same people who run our school boards, city councils and county commissions and numerous other vital small government structures should be given first dibs on the next level of offices all the way up the line to the Presidency itself.

In fact, maybe create a rule to make any candidate for Congress first serve in local government? We could do worse. The alternative is more SNOR-ing. The electorate is already too busy texting one another to realize that some in D.C. think laws were made to be subverted for personal enrichment.

Serving the people never crossed their minds. It is high time to start the revolution. What is the difference between a dead Washington elitist in the street and a dead skunk? There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Managing Editor Gary Bégin can be reached at gary@ncwmedia.net. His opinions are not necessarily those of NCW Media.